Fresh slate. New chapter. New book. I used to fantasize about how I would feel at this point of my life.
It has taken a year to finally get to this point, but a few years of knowing this point would eventually come.
I am not sure how I expected to feel once I got here. I think I imagined a winner and a loser. I imagined everything working out to being fair. The truth is, when divorce happens, everyone loses. Nothing is fair.
I was told that going through a divorce was like grieving over a death of a person who doesn’t die. This is very true. Over the course of a year, I have had so many emotions. One day, I hardly think of him. The next, I hate him for giving up on the family we created. Then I feel robbed. I don’t want to share my children with someone else. Then I feel sad that I have experienced all of these life moments with someone who said they never loved me. Yes. Robbed. Robbed of happiness and a dream I have envisioned my entire life of how it was supposed to be. That my soulmate is still out there and possibly won’t be the person I will share special moments with like a birth of a baby, etc.
I struggled so much with feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Not pretty enough. Not sexy. I could go on and on.
“Maybe he will wake up and realize what he’s missing!”
“Just you wait, he will be back and want to fight for his family to stay together”
“You’re such a great mom & Wife. You’re such a great catch”
I’ve heard it a million times.
He never apologized. He never admitted any wrong doing. He had zero remorse for the things he had done and how he had treated me.
This was truly the hardest part of everything I went through.
Yesterday, after coming to a settlement, we stood in front of the judge. He didn’t even look at me. Hours before I wondered how we would both be. Would I cry? Would the final words and final minutes of this marriage I once had such high hopes for end like it never mattered?
Emotionless… cold.. quick .. it was over.
In that moment for me, so many things flashed in my mind. Laughter. Excitement. First dates. Pregnancies. Marriage. Baby announcements. Gender reveals. Births. Birthdays. Moves. Family.
The judge gives his closing statement .. its over.
Everything was over. For the first time in this entire process I got some closure. I didn’t cry. I didn’t hurt anymore. All I wanted to do was hug my babies. I had no yearning for, no strings attached anymore to this man I once believed was “The One”. He’s not. He never was. The weight of what ifs, false hopes dropped off me. The acceptance of what it always was, and what it never was – no matter how badly I wanted it to be at one time.. was there. I felt God take all of my hurt that has been in my heart. I didn’t see this man as someone I saw through my glasses anymore. I saw him for exactly who he was, and who he never was and never could be for me.
This past year I have been rebuilding myself. I have been finding out who Missy is. I am learning to love myself and I really believe now that I am worthy. I am worthy of so much more than I have had. I am not missing out on anything that I have lost.
I have decided to start my blog here. It’s not going to be about my ex, or my past. I may reference some past experiences but for the most part, this is me documenting my future. This is me rebuilding. This is me juggling four, alone and strong. I have NEVER been happier.
I’m out of my cocoon; I’m spreading my wings… I am ready to fly.